Em-BARE-ASSED...

Last night after work, I decided to visit the super sketchy "beauty" parlour in my old neighbourhood for a cheap massage.

I walked in and my favourite beautician greeted me with a hug and repeated attempts to give me water, all the while calling me "Jane".

As it turned out, the woman who was literally three steps ahead of me through the door booked my usual beautician, so I had to settle for a new member of staff to massage me. I thought, "Why the hell not? I am desperate and I can't bear anymore charlie horse episodes this month".

So the massage proceeded as normal, you know, the kind where you don a paper thong and are spoken to in broken English about...well, nothing really, and have the knots beaten out of your twisted and stressed shoulders.

But then, it got weird.

The little beautician finished my back and then covered me up to move on to, not my legs like I expected, but my ass. And though not entirely abnormal to have a full on ass massage, she yanked down my towel and then straddled me as she proceeded to dig her thumbs into my very generous ass cheeks. For five minutes. Straight. I was mortified, and it hurt like hell.

Then, as quickly as she climbed up there, the little woman nimbly hopped down, and continued to work on my legs. She became annoyed because she had to keep telling me to "rerax". Um, gee...could you maybe understand why I might be more tense now than when I came in?

Today, I can barely move and the skin on my shoulders hurts to the touch...but my lower back and ass feel fabulous...